Sunday, October 9, 2011

My White Whale and Why I'll Never Catch It

This blog will most likely cause some conflict in my life, but before you begin emailing me and protesting, take a deep breath and truly FEEL what I am posting.  Ask yourself, "Is this also me?" 

Everyone is so busy with their lives today.  There seems to be never enough time to spend with a friend or if so, it's brief and fleeting such as meeting once a month for a dinner or sending a few texts or emails to catch up from time to time.

My family members are supportive, loving and good listeners, but of course, they are family.  That's what's expected of each other.  One of my sisters in law is priceless, but she doesn't live close to me.  If she did, I would not be composing these words on my blog today.  I know for a fact that I could call her and say, "Hey, let's go shopping" and she would happily accompany me.

My experiences with friends haven't been necessarily horrible, just a bit disappointing.  My decisions have probably caused just as much breakage from a potentional relationship.  At every life changing event, however, the discovery that there is truly no "BFF" around to vent, or have comfort from or share laughs, or sit with me during a time of tragedy is a bit unsettling. 

I've been told I have a bubbly personality and I "make friends easily."  I beg to differ.  I can work a crowd, make people feel comfortable and laugh, but the moment the time ends, there is no one walking beside me.  I wonder if I'm doing something to drive a person screaming in horror, but my husband even states he doesn't know.  It's a bit lonely at times, but I pick myself up and go off and entertain again and again and again.  I wonder if I am the example the profound Aristotle once stated, "A friend to all is a friend to none."

Friendships are priceless.  Even though we grow older, have our own families and careers, it's important to nourish them.  It can be compared to a marriage:  it's takes hard work and committment, respect, and compassion.

In high school, I did have a "BFF" but graduation came, and we parted our ways.  I grew in another direction and she had some life changing moments that took her away as well.  I have fond memories because she basically was my mother hen.  She watched over me, took me places, made me laugh, listened and supported me through everything. Was she perfect?  Heck no, but the fact she tried to do everything perfectly created a special bond between us.  I hope she realized that I treasured our friendship and she will always have a special place in my heart. 

There was another time I began bonding with someone from my writer's group but she moved to another state when her husband was transferred.  I'm sure that if she would have stayed, this blog, too, would not have been written.

The fact is, I don't want to be "one" of numerous friends to someone.  I want to have a tight bond with another human being, besides my husband.  I need time away from the male perspective.  My spouse is my everything, but he doesn't understand all of the female side and never will.  It's just a fact of nature.  I desire knowing that if I call or text a friend that I don't feel like I am intruding on her life or becoming a nuisance.  I don't want to be placed on the shelf to sit there and "wait" when needed.    It would be nice to know that if someone asks my friend, "Who is your best friend?  Who is the only person you would call in need? Who is the only person you would consider family?  If you want to try new things or run an idea by someone who would it be?" 

The answer I'm hoping to hear is:  "Tina."

I'm sure I've hurt feelings with this post, but it's not my intention.  I have several dear friends and I cherish all of them. (you know who you are!)   I could call them right now and vent about life, just shoot the breeze or catch up and I love them dearly.  We could make plans to go out, eat dinner, see a movie or go shopping, but it's more about spending a brief moment away with another person.  There needs to be that bond, that love, that fierce devotion.

Maybe I am being unrealistic.  These type of friendships may only exist in the movies or on television.  If so, then I can dream, right?

I know that there is no one out there right now that considers me that one and only "BFF" and I will have to live with that, I suppose.  It makes me sad from time to time.  I get a bit melancholy but then I pick myself back up, smile and move forward.

I'm not going through a "mid-life" crisis, as my husband has been teasing me lately.  My feelings have been this way since 1988.  How's that for a time spanse?

Like I said at the beginning, I'm sure I caused some angst among my close friends but that was not my goal.  Obviously, my best friend is my husband, but that's a totally different type of relationship, so don't go there.  It's just the way it is.  Now that I feel better writing out my perspective, I'll go back to my normal routine and please the masses.  That's what I do.

I leave you with this quote that explains how I feel from Leo Buscaglia:  "A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world."